Coming to you (while a signal remains available) from the future permanent House by the Parkway (South), which means that I am typing directly on the laptop (at home I use a docking station and a real grown-up keyboard). I can handle typing on the laptop (even though I hate it), but I cannot get comfortable using the cursed farookin’ pressure pad and clicky things on the laptop. I cannot tell you how many things I have opened and occasionally deleted, or drastically changed because of the rotten pressure pad and clicky things on the laptop. All you have to do is look at the clicky things and they CLICK, thereby creating all sorts of havoc. I spent about 45 minutes fixing the mess caused by accidental clicks on my email app.

Memo to Self: Buy a goddamned mouse to use while away from the docking station.

That is necessarily all, lest I fling the computer out the window.

Being the goddamned prince that I am, I thought I would share with youse guys the heretofore secrets of dealing with those snotty looks (or worse) that often follow a bit of healthy bowel windage.

1. “Damned floorboards squeak. We should call the floor guy and have him fix that.”

2. “I wonder if there are squirrels in the house. We should call an exterminator and check that shit out.”

3. “Must be that annoying kid down the block running his motorized scooter down the street. Damned thing is a motor vehicle, and he’s too young to have a license. We should call the cops.”

4. “The guy next door must have his 400-watt powered woofers in his car cranked up to 10.”

5. “Did someone just open a door? Damned hinges need some WD-40.”

6. “Geese! They fly south at this time.”

7. “That wasn’t a fart. It was my stomach gurgling. I’ll concede to it being a pre-fart.”

8. “No way was that a fart. See? It doesn’t stink.”

9. “Must be the dog. No, wait. We no longer have a dog. Damned floorboards.”

10. “What was that? I can’t believe you did that. Gross.”

You’re welcome.