As many of you know, I am not a gadget guy. I have never used an ATM, and when I watch television, it is an RCA that is probably thirty years old. I suppose my crowning achievement to date is that I can store and retrieve telephone numbers in my cell phone and put a destination in my GPS. I’m also pretty good with a blow dryer.

As part of the long process of relocating to the House By The Parkway (South), I now have a flat screen HD TV (not the one that is roughly the size of the JumboTron – that will come a bit later, after the purchase of a suitably sized entertainment center), with a DVD player and a DVR. I also have a remote control unit that looks much like the control panel on the space shuttle. Figuring it all out is giving me the vapors.

I figured out how to turn on the TV, pop up the Guide and change channels. Not a bad start. I was watching a program on the History Channel when I realized that, at that same time, there was a program on the Discovery Channel that I would like see as well. No problemo. After all, I now have a DVR. After more than a little bit of searching around on the mondo remote, I saw the button that was marked “My DVR.” I figured, “Yo, this is ‘my DVR,’” so took a deep breath and went for it.

A message immediately popped up on the screen that said something like, “THERE IS A PROBLEM WITH THE STORAGE DISC. Blah blah blah.” What it was really saying was, “This is your DVR speaking. I can tell you are a techno-asshole, and I shall mock you and torment you, and I shall not cooperate with you.”

Now you can see why I don’t use ATMs. If I were to use an ATM, I would push the buttons on the damned thing and it would say, “Money? You want me to hand you money? Surely you jest. Asshole.”

Oh, did I mention that we also have new telephones? Indeed we do.

The instruction book looks like the Manhattan phone directory. Just the table of contents runs about a dozen pages. For example, you can make a cell phone call from your home phone (Why?); you can take a cell phone call on your home phone (Why?); you can stick your cell phone directory into the memory of the home phone (Might make sense but actually doing it is about as complicated as a moonshot); you can put a cell phone call on hold while you take a regular call, and you can conference in a shitload of people. I’ll bet it has a feature that will wipe your heiney if you hold it next to your ass and press “*wipe.”

If I seem crabby, it’s because I’ll be spending the next few weeks buried in instruction manuals.